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    January 08, 2005

    You Might be a Liberal If...

    [As a public service, and with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, here are the early warning signs that reveal if you, or someone you care about, just might be a liberal.]

    * You think that protestors outside nuclear power plants are dedicated activists, but protestors outside abortion clinics are dangerous zealots interfering with a legal activity.

    * You believe that more federal regulations will make your life better.

    * You believe that even though the top 20 percent of taxpayers pay 80 percent of income taxes, that the rich are not paying their “fair share.”

    * You think that Rush Limbaugh’s listeners are mindless “dittoheads,” but you have never doubted anything that you heard from Michael Moore.

    * You believe that the network news is a better indicator of what “real” news is than talk radio, Internet news sites, and blogs.

    * You believe that there was never, ever a problem with biased news coverage until Fox News went on the air.

    * You believe that Mikhail Gorbachev deserves more credit for losing the Cold War than Ronald Reagan deserves for winning it.

    * You mentally subtract 100 points from someone’s IQ if the person speaks with a Southern accent.

    * You think that Dan Rather got a raw deal.

    * You think that the phrase “separation of church and state” is in the Constitution.

    * You pride yourself on your global awareness, global sensitivity and global outlook, but can’t name your state legislator or school board representative.

    * You are dedicated to helping the poor, the downtrodden and the less fortunate, but you have never given blood.

    * You believe that a woman should make it on her own, without depending on her husband (except for Hillary Clinton).

    * You believe that professional, working women should never be judged on their appearance (except for Katherine Harris).

    * You believe that rich people should not be allowed to contribute so much money to candidates for office (except for George Soros).

    * You feel a deep sense of common cause with oppressed groups, such as Hispanic immigrants (except for Cuban Americans fleeing Castro).

    * You believe that a mother’s wishes for her child, especially a mother’s last, dying wish for her child, should outweigh the wishes of a father who had long before deserted his family (unless the child is named Elian Gonzalez).

    * You have no problem with Hollywood movie starts flying around in private jets to give speeches on the evils of SUVs.

    * You think that raising taxes will reduce the budget deficit.

    * You are more concerned, more often, with the rights of convicted felons than you are with the rights of small business owners.

    * You uphold a woman’s right to choose, unless a woman chooses adoption, chooses to be a stay-at-home mom, chooses to homeschool, or chooses to start a business.

    * You are more concerned with Vice President Cheney’s links to Halliburton than with Saddam Hussein’s links to international terrorism.

    * You have used the phrase, “in Europe, the government pays for health care and vacation,” without irony.

    * You are worried about how the French view Americans.

    * You believe that nativity scenes should be banned from public view, but that anyone objecting to pornography "only has to look the other way".

    * And finally, you are almost certainly a liberal if you refuse to admit that you’re a liberal, and accuse anyone of calling you a neo-con.
    Jack LaLanne Juicer


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