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    March 15, 2005

    Desperately Seeking My Self Esteem

    Could someone tell me how to go about finding some of this elusive stuff? I had some of this self esteem at some point in my life. I think maybe I lost it when I was around the age of ten or so. It is a little difficult to pinpoint the last time I recall having any. It's not hard to lose one's self esteem, especially when you're the chubby girl in your class and no one on the planet will let you forget this fact for more than a day or two at a time.
    I have been stunned by some of the comments people have made to me throughout my life. "Oh you have such a pretty face". The part they so kindly and graciously leave out is "but that doesn't make up for the fact that you're so damned fat". I remember when I was about twenty, some of my relatives were discussing the weight-loss pills from Mexico craze that killed a number of people back in the late 80's. During that discussion my step-mother so graciously pointed out that she'd rather have me the way I am, than dead! I remember thinking, "by George, now there's an option!" I'd rather BE DEAD than have to endure THAT conversation again! People just don't think before they open their mouth's I suppose.
    I have struggled with my weight my entire life. Finally, at the age of uhm...thirtysomething, I have found a diet/lifestyle change that actually works for me, but I can't for the life of me remember where I left my self esteem or for that matter, how to get at least get a few shreads of it back into my possession! I have come to the realization that no matter how thin I get, I will always be, at least in my mind, "the fat girl". After a lifetime of negative comments and shame, its pretty likely that I will still be dissatisfied with some aspect of my physical appearance.
    Let's just suppose that someday I will be able to squeeze my butt into a cute little size 6 pair of jeans. Not that I'm holding my breath mind you, but I suppose it is within the realm of possibilities. At that point I'll be thinking I need a breast lift and for sure a tummy tuck. Maybe a little tuck where my extra chin used to be. You know...just for good measure! Thank god for small miracles that's gone! While we're at it, my nose could stand to be just a tad bit cuter and we might as well plan on hiring a professional hair colorist since I already see a few gray strands around my right temple. Even then I cannot imagine anyone saying "wow, YOU are a hottie!" I seriously cannot see, after all these years, a point at which I will be comfortable with my appearance.
    Why do we let people do this to us? Maybe a better question would be: Why do we do this to ourselves? Too bad we can't just buy some more of this self esteem when we run out.
    Jack LaLanne Juicer

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