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    My version of a Totally Sque'd reality!

    May 31, 2005

    So, moving right along...

    Alright folks, I've decided I'm done with the whole drama of the past couple of weeks! Today is my day off, there are cute boys at the pool and tunes and drinks and did I mention the cute boys at the pool yet? Yes! There are some very hot boys at my pool and although they are a few years younger than I like, I am headed out for some rays. Hey...there is a huge difference between "thirtysomething" and DEAD!

    We may even fire up the grill later.

    Anyone care to join us?
    May 29, 2005

    Of course I can never just let anything go...

    So I'll continue my thoughts here, without the "colorful" language this time. Sorry for all that, but when you gotta vent, you should vent. So I vented!

    Since the conversation, I have been avoiding him like the plague. I didn't know what to say and well, I'm just a wuss that way. When I'm too upset about something, I avoid it and pretty much everything and everyone! So this weekend, I turned on my IM's and there were several messages from both of them. He was apologizing profusely. She didn't seem to know anything about it, so when I saw him online later, I decided I needed to know what was going on so I asked. Again, he apologized profusely! I did accept the apology, but I pretty much let him have it and told him that was about the dumbest thing he's ever done, at least to my knowledge! He agreed.

    So he informed me that he hasn't told her anything and I agreed that I wasn't going to tell her anything [for now] because, well, I'm a wuss and I just can't justify further endangering their, otherwise great relationship. My reasoning here is that he hasn't actually acted on his feelings....he's made them known, yes, but that's as far as it has gone. He has not made any physical advances toward me at all. Despite my thoughts on his motives, thinking about doing something and actually doing it are two different things. If I knew he had cheated on her, then that would be whole 'nother ball of wax. You bet your ass I'd tell her in a heartbeat. In any case, I did tell him that if he pursued this any further, I would indeed tell her and I also encouraged him to try and get them into some sort of counseling. I know and he knows that, despite a few minor issues, they have a really good marriage and relationship. I am hoping they can work those things out and continue to have a great marriage. I hope that I am doing the right thing and I hope that ...If things ever go awry between them, that she will understand that this was an extremely difficult decision to make and that I'm doing what I think is best for their relationship and our friendship. I'm trying to avoid making things worse and well...I'm a wuss too, but she already knows that. If I am making a huge mistake here, I hope she can find a way to forgive me. I dont want to keep anything from her, but telling her will undoubtedly open another can of worms. This sucks!!!

    Sorry for rambling. I'm sort of thinking this out as I go. I am trying to clarify and solidify my thoughts and feelings as I type this, so excuse me if this isn't making sense. UGH...I just hate this hole situation. I am still sad, still hurt and angry and furious and still confused. Part of me feels like I'm doing the right thing, and another part of me wants to beat the crap out of him. I feel like I'm being too easy on him.

    It's almost 2 AM! I'm too tired to think about this anymore. I need sleep.

    I am also thinking about deleting these 2 posts. I'm a little afraid that one of my friends might stumble upon my blog someday and I'm thinking I don't want this buried in my archives for someone to discover. So whaddya think? Should I?

    I know!

    Lets all say it together now...

    May 28, 2005

    Pardon me while I vent...

    Here's your warning! If you can't handle raw feelings, a few F-Bombs and such, then hit the X in the top right of your screen and do not read any further. I shall resume normal blogging at some point after this post.

    I have been out of sorts lately and I guess I just need to get this out. Feel free to comment if you like, but I already know the answers for the most part. I just need to vent or ...something.

    The week before last, I had a very disturbing conversation with a dear dear friend of mine. A friend I have known since middle school. I was totally taken off guard to hear that he now has feelings for me. [Can't Imagine why either!] Now normally, this wouldn't be so upsetting, but there are other factors that come into play here.

    1. He's married!
    2. His wife and I have been very close friends almost from the moment he introduced me to her some eleven years ago.
    3. They have two beautiful children together.

    I was stunned, to say the least, by his announcement and now that has turned into hurt and anger! My first question to him was what he hoped to accomplish by sharing his feelings with me. His response was that he just needed to get it off his chest and be upfront about it. WTF ever! My feeling on the matter is that I believe he hoped I might be agreeable to an affair, which is absolutely out of the question. [See #70 on my 100 Things List] In fact ANYTHING other than friendship is out of the question! I do not have romantic feelings toward him.

    At this point, I am furious beyond belief! I am upset that he could possibly even consider an affair or cheating on his wife/my friend. I also thought he had higher regard for both of us! I am hurt and angry that he would think I could even consider committing adultery and even more upset that he might be willing to do so, although he says that isn't the case. Needless to say, I don't buy that. I don't mean to jump to conclusions and for crying out loud, if I am, please set me straight, but I see no other reason for him to share such feelings with me if that isn't what he was hoping for. The bastard! What good could come of it?? None that I can think of. He certainly wasn't "being upfront" with his WIFE about it! Furthermore, I am FURIOUS that his "sharing" has put me in such an awkward position. What the hell am I supposed to say to his wife? How am I supposed to talk to her and pretend this conversation never happened? Although they live four hours away, we talk on the phone and on IM all the time. I can't very well confide in her! Am I supposed to tell her? That would be disasterous and it certainly isn't something I even want to think about doing! I'd rather die than tell her something like this! I can't confide in any of my other friends either because, 1. Most of us have known each other since we were in elementary or middle school and, 2. My other friends are friendly with them as well. So as of the date of that conversation, I haven't spoken to either of them. I don't know what, if any conversations have transpired between the two of them since. I don't even want to know! All I know is that I have no idea what to do with this or how to resolve my feelings about it. I'm just fucking furious and hurt and I'm really hating men right about now. I really wish he had put more thought into this. In all likelihood, whatever feelings he thinks he has will soon pass and here he's gone and fucked up a perfectly good friendship. Probably two friendships, not to mention that he could very well be putting his marriage at risk too! UGH! What an idiot!!!
    May 25, 2005

    The Musical Meme

    I've been tag teamed yet again! This time the culprits are Gem and Suzanne! Do you guys lose sleep at night thinking about who you're gonna tag team next? LOL, Thanks guys!

    1. Total volume of music files on my computer?

    I have a grand total of 501. *Looks around innocently*

    2. The last CD I bought was?

    Sara Evans: Restless [I love love love Sara Evans music!!]

    3. What song is playing right now?

    Josh Gracin: Nothin' To Lose [Remember him from American Idol III? This is a recent #1 hit on the country charts for him! And I hope he sent Simon Cowell a nice F-You note!]

    4. Five songs I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me (in no particular order):

    Diamond Rio: I believe
    Travis Tritt: Anymore
    Sara Evans: Suds In The Bucket
    Selena: Como La Flor

    Good grief...you people know me better than this! I can't name just 5! I listen to a lot of stuff! Garth Brooks, Big n Rich, Gretchen Wilson, Alan Jackson...the list is endless! I listen to Country, Rock, Disco, R&B, Rap, Spanish music... the list is endless! If I have the song, it has meaning to me in some way.

    5. Which 3 people are you passing this baton to, and why?

    See that blogroll over to the right? Go look at it and if you're blog is on it, you get the baton! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAA Why? Because I love you and I don't want to leave anyone feeling left out. Go on...get after it!

    If you've already done it, then you're off the hook....this time.

    Now Playing: I've Got A Feelin', By: Billy Currington
    May 24, 2005

    Photo's from the Wedding Design Class

    The pictures can be seen here. I only got pictures of designs I created or helped participate in, but there were so many fabulous designs, I wish I could have taken more, but what can ya do?! A new digital camera is next on the list of major purchases and I say "major" purchase because I'm not getting a cheapy this time around! Must pinch pennies and use what I have for now though.
    That's all I have for now. Although the class was a nice distraction, I'm in a very weird place...Emotionally. Still a little too upset to put it into words coherently, but I'll eventually get around to it. What I'd really like to do is go stick my head in the sand!

    May 22, 2005

    There's no place like home!

    I'm so glad to be home! I left Friday and went to a contemporary wedding floral design course in Houston. It was lots of fun, but very hot and humid. Of course we were inside most of the time, but the heat made even driving around town miserable. The upside is that I got to bring all my designs HOME and now my house is smelling heavenly! There were some others who flew in from other states, that didn't get to take theirs, so I brought those home as well. A few of them didn't fare so well, but most of the designs did. I think I'm going to take some to one of the nursing homes close by and maybe brighten someone's day.

    More tomorrow! In the meantime, I thought this was kinda fun. Seems pretty accurate I guess, but I get along really well with people who are sarcastic. I'd never break up over that of all things!

    The Keys to Your Heart

    You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
    In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.
    You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.
    You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.
    Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... No secrets.
    Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do it.
    You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.
    In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

    What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
    May 19, 2005

    Heads Up

    To avoid any undue concern, just want to let you know I'm taking a brief break from the blogworld. Crazy things going on around here and I need a bit to get my head around it. Will be out of town this weekend as well. I'll be checking in on you guys as I can. Be well.

    By the way...My little Guest Map over there needs some attention! I never imagined I would ask anyone to do this, but go mark your territory!
    May 18, 2005

    Idol anyone?

    Anyone watching Idol this week? I am trying hard to get over my PMS and focus on other things...Like who's gonna get the boot tonight. With this show, you never can tell! We're down to the final 2 after tonight! Weeeee!
    So I had the day off today and since the cleaning fairy has obviously forgotten where I live, I've been doing the domestic thing today. Sorry folks, nothing exciting going on. Tonight for Idol night, we're having Beer Butt Chicken! Mmmmm!

    1 roasting chicken, approx. 4 pounds 1 12-ounce can beer (I use Lone Star. It's a Texas thing)
    ¼ C. Spice rub of your choice, plus 2 tbsp.
    Pam cooking spray

    Light charcoal or preheat gas grill to 350° F. You'll be cooking indirectly, so light only one side of the grill. Pour off a few ounces of the beer, no more than 1/3. If you're going to use wood chips, which I highly recommend, pour the beer over them and let them soak while you get everything else ready.

    Using a bottle opener or other suitable tool, carefully make two or three other holes in the top of the beer can to allow maximum vapor escape. Add 1 tbsp. Of the spice rub to the beer in the can. Remove excess fat from the chicken, then rub it down inside and out with the dry rub. Make sure to put plenty inside the body cavity and neck opening. Spray the outside of the can with cooking spray and set it in a shallow pan which will fit on your grill. Put the chicken onto the can slowly, and adjust the legs to make a "tripod" shape so the bird won't roll over.

    Carefully move the pan to the grill and place it away from the heat, for indirect cooking. If using wood chips, drain them and put them on the coals now, or in your smoker box on top of the burner.

    Roast until your probe thermometer reads 165° F. Deep in the breast meat. Remove from heat and allow to rest for at least 20 minutes before carving.

    NOTE: This CAN also be done in the oven. Start at 400° F. For 20 minutes, then reduce heat to 350° until done.

    I have surpassed the "From 0 to Bitch in 2.5 seconds" rule

    My uterus is not my friend! The first chance I get to evict that bitch it's outta here!!!

    I'd like to upgrade to a new model please. Preferably one that hasn't reached puberty.
    May 17, 2005

    Opinions: Everybody's got one!

    Given the recent event's in my life, I have decided I am not going to date for a while. I am going to take some time to reflect and decide what is best for Sque. In the meantime, I've got some things rolling around in this brain of mine and perhaps you can help.

    For a while now I've been thinking about my "type". Now that I am single again, I find my self wondering if I should focus on my type or letting the cards fall where they may. It seems to me that if you focus too much on "type", then you may be overlooking some really cool people.

    For most of my "dating life", I've had no clue what my type was. It wasn't until I met someone that I really clicked with that I even realized there might be a "type" for me. I dated this person for seven months prior to meeting the tosser. We had tons of things in common. Everything from tastes in music, to political opinions, to common goals and life dreams, with lots more in between. Everything seemed to fit and the chemistry between us was amazing! By now, you must be wondering why, if this person was your type and so amazing, aren't you with this person and why were you planning to marry the Tosser! Valid questions!

    The person of which I speak [we'll call him RC for Robo-Cop...Yes, he was a cop too] had been recently divorced, had 2 young daughters and had recently moved back to Texas. We met, everything clicked, his daughters spent most of the summer with him and everything was grand. After RC's daughters returned home to their mother in another state, he realized he was miserable living so far away from them. I couldn't blame him. I would have been too. The love he had for his girls was part of what attracted me to him. His commitment to his children reminded me very much of my own father and I supported his decision to move closer to them so that he could be a part of their lives. At that point, neither of us were anywhere near ready to commit to anything permanent, so we opted for the long distance type of relationship. It worked for a while, then it became clear that it was painfully difficult and entirely too expensive to maintain, so we amicably parted ways.

    I later met the tosser and although he didn't exactly fit what I believed to be my "type", I fell in love with him. I don't want to reminisce too much on that because at this point, I'd just as soon forget that chapter of my life for obvious reasons. My point here is that deep down, and I hate to admit this, I wonder if I was settling. I have enjoyed the single life, except for the dating part and marriage has not been a top priority for me, but looking back on it now I can't help but wonder what I was thinking! I realize now that although I loved him and we were attracted to each other, that amazing chemistry wasn't there. We had things in common, but some of the things I realize now are important to me just were not there.

    So during this period of reflection, I turn to you my friends. We've all been here and I think most of you can relate in some way, whether you're single, just dating, in a serious, non married relationship or married. We may focus on this for a while around here if there's enough interest. Lord knows I need some input and what better place is there to find an opinion?! I welcome it from anyone, male and female alike. Lurkers...I'm talking to you too! I know you have opinions!

    Today's question: Did or do you currently focus on people that are your "type" or is that over-rated?
    May 16, 2005

    I vote we do away with Monday's!

    My apologies for not being on top of things today. It's Monday and I'm draggin' ass. Whoever invented Mondays should be shot. [Disclaimer: I am not advocating that anyone be shot, I'm just sayin'!]

    In other news, Six Flags Astro-World was very much fun! Saturday, five adults and myself [who is not yet an adult] adopted a few brats for the day and all 14 of us wreaked havoc on the place. I am not sure how we managed to avoid it, but you'll be happy to hear that we were not kicked out on our tushies. The good news is that we had sense enough to go before the typical, Texas summertime temperatures reached 2000 degrees and I did not suffer from heat exhaustion during this trip! I avoided caffeine, which is what did me in the last time, and although I would have killed for an ice cold Dr Pepper, I sipped water all day like a good girl. Thus my sanity and ability to sweat remained in tact!

    This, however, made me cry and fear for my life, which brought about some things that might have left others questioning my sanity, but we won't discuss that any further. Suffice it to say, I do not recommend this ride.

    One thing I found particularly funny this weekend was a conversation I had with T's daughter, J. She and her friend were telling us that some of their friends have had sex. After some gentle questioning, I discovered that at 12, she wasn't exactly sure about all the details of sex, but she proudly informed me that she knows what 96 is! It was then that it became clear that she certainly knows a hell of a lot more than I do!
    May 13, 2005

    Public Service Announcement

    Do you people realize it is Friday the 13th?!

    A few rules you may want to consider:

    -No going to the basement alone
    -Lock the door to the bathroom during daily hygiene rituals
    -Remain part of the group and do not wander away unless you want your head chopped off
    -Stay away from power tools that just happen to be running when they shouldn't be
    -Do not drop what you're doing to investigate odd noises
    -No bonking in the woods

    If I have left anything out, post it in comments and help keep your fellow bloggers alive and well!

    Have a wonderful weekend.

    That is all
    May 11, 2005

    How do you tell someone to lose your number?

    He may work on the 9th floor, but I don't think there's much goin' on upstairs! Don't get me wrong. He is very nice looking, but as far any brain activity goes, he's pretty much a dud. Mr. 9th Floor called Tuesday night. We talked for a while and for some reason, it just wasn't clicking. I dunno how to explain it really. For one, he seems to like to talk baby talk and then a later reference to me as his "future wifey" had me searching for the eject button! EEEK!

    From now on I won't give it up so easily. The digits I mean.

    I admit that I'm not very good at this whole dating thing. One thing I'm rotten at is saying "sorry, but you're not my type". We talked again briefly last night before I went out with some friends. I basically thanked him for lunch again and cut the conversation short. He asked if I was busy this weekend and I truthfully told him I have plans. He didn't seem to get it and said he'd give me a call Sunday. I told him I probably wouldn't be home until late. He says, "Ok, I'll talk to you on Monday". Like a dork, I said "Okay".


    Just shoot me now please.

    RE: Michele - I did in fact ask him about his blog and get this! He said he was just kidding, that he didn't really have a blog. Um...hello? Who lies about having a blog?!! I can maybe see lying and saying you don't have one... I think maybe that's really the case. lol
    May 10, 2005

    The Scoop

    Lunch was nice! He's a guy that works in my building and we've been eyeballing each other in the elevator most mornings. I work on the 7th floor and he works on the 9th. I found out Saturday that he tapped the brain of one of my colleagues to see if I was single! Well, as luck would have it I AM! So yesterday he asked me for a lunch date and of course, I accepted.

    I was a bit nervous, but we grazed, we talked and we had a very nice time. Unfortunately, like the slut that I am, I gave it up! He asked for the digits and I gave them up faster than the national deficit rises per second! I did not, however, rake everything off the table and ravage his body. I think I can hold out a little bit longer on that one. The good news is that I didn't drool even once. Ok, well I did once, but he didn't see so that doesn't count.

    All in all, we had a very nice time. One funny thing did happen.
    Here's part of our parting conversation...

    Him: I am so gonna blog about this lunch date!
    Me: Oh so you're a Blogger?
    Him: Who doesn't have a blog?
    Me: Well fine, I'm blogging about this too then!

    We gotta find his BLOG!!!

    Today's post is brought to you by the letter G because I can't think of a quippy title.

    Today is my first official date since the tosser became the tosser.

    We're getting together for our daily midday grazing ritual. How sexy is that?!!

    I may stop by Target for one of
    these, you know, to keep food off my blouse and to contain the drooling. [Mine, not his.]
    May 09, 2005

    Thankful: It's what's for Supper

    If there is one thing my Father is known for it is his ability to turn a piece of bovine flesh into the most orgasmic grilled steak one might ever have the privilege of sinking their teeth into. Even live cows from the pasture come strolling up, drooling over the aroma that drifts from the grill as he cooks those steaks! Suffice it to say that when my dad is grilling steak, we make damn sure to show up with a voracious appetite!

    On one such occasion, we all gathered around the dinner table as we were about to have dinner. As usual, we were about to say grace, when my then eight year old niece Sierra offered to say the prayer. My Step-Mom told her she could and we bowed our heads. She began our typical dinner prayer..."Come Lord Jesus, be our guest and let this food to us be blessed". When she got to the end, instead of saying Amen, Sierra began her own list of things that she was thankful for. "Thank you Jesus for my Mommy & Daddy, thank you for my Aunt Suzy and the new Barbie she bought for me, thank you for Granny & Papa, and thank you for my Brother and Sister". At this point I'm thinking okay, she's included just about everyone, she'll be wrapping this up here in a second. She continues, "Thank you Jesus for my cousins Tara, Merritt and Donovan and Riley and Taylor and Tucker and Tanner and Chase and"... I'm thinking good grief I'm starving and I think our food is getting cold, I wish she'd hurry up! Sierra continues, "and thank you for my Sunday school teacher and all my friends at Sunday School, like Heather, Kara, Lauren and Dillon and Katie and"... The list of things she was thankful for had seemingly become miles long. At this point my stomach has gone beyond growling. I look up slightly at my dad and a few others and although her prayer was very sweet, we were all drooling over the steak in front of us like a mad dogs with rabies. She continued, "And thank you for our new puppies and our cat and our mama dog and"... I began humming songs in my head to distract myself from the hunger pangs. "And thank you for GrandMother D and for letting us ride in her golf cart, and thank you for all the fish we caught and thank you for Tara's gold fish too and thank you for my whole family. In your name we pray"... I'm thinking YES, she's done! She continues, "Oh and thank you for whatever it is... That... Thing... That my Mommy and Daddy did to make me. Amen". I looked up to see eight eyes bulging out of their sockets! All nine of us tried as hard as we could to choke back the snorts and giggles!

    Oh yes indeed Sierra! We must all be thankful for that! You have no Idea how thankful we are!

    I don't think we will be letting her pray out loud once she is old enough to figure that one out.
    May 08, 2005

    Happy Mother's Day

    Happy Mother's Day! Whether you're a Mom, Dad, Son or Daughter, Mother's Day is to be celebrated and I hope each of you are having a fabulous day.

    Over the past week, Mother's have been the main topic of discussion around here. Today it's your turn. Everyone is included! Please share with us the fondest memory of your Mother, your Grandmother or your experience as a Mother or parent.
    May 07, 2005


    Why there are Books, CD's, Laundry, bicycle parts and various other items all over my neighbor's roof, porch, lawn and hedges.

    It seems the guys had a little get together Friday night. One of the guys left with a female guest and another guest informed his girlfriend Saturday morning. The girlfriend showed up Saturday morning and found that he hadn't been home all night, trashed his belongings and threw the majority of it outside while the roommates slept. Last I heard she was spending the night [Saturday night] in the luxurious accommodations of the country jail!

    What I didn't see were some of his PC components she had thrown in the pool! Damnit I hate missing good photo opportunities!

    Now Playing: Gettin' Jiggy With It, By: Will Smith
    May 06, 2005

    Adopted - Part III - The Conclusion

    I didn't hesitate to open the letter and was thrilled to see it was five pages long!

    The first line read:
    I have loved you from the minute I knew you existed and I have never stopped.

    The flood of tears began and I remember vividly the sting of my tears as I red her letter. She told me that she never had another child. That the only one she ever wanted, she couldn't have. She told me about her family, her life, her two failed marriages and a hysterectomy at the age of thirty-eight. She divulged that she had been seeing a therapist for years in an effort to deal with her feelings over the years. She shared with me her love for animals and dreams of someday riding and owning her own horse. I was told a great deal about my ancestry and how she had been working for years on a family tree, in hopes of someday sharing it with me. She told me of the little girl charm, with my birthstone on it, that she wore on a bracelet nearly every year on my birthday. She wrote, "I didn't feel I deserved to wear it the rest of the year, but it was my way of honoring you and the day you were born". I had been sure she didn't even remember my birthday, much less celebrate it. Over the past weeks I had run the gamut on emotions, but at this moment my heart was full of happiness. If I never heard another word from her, I would be content with this knowledge. The only thing I hoped for at this point was a chance to let her know that she indeed deserved to wear that charm, because it was she who had given me life.

    There were pictures included with the letter. A few of her, one of my Maternal Grandparents, my Aunt and her Son - my cousin. This was the first time I had ever laid eyes on people who were actually related to me. I immediately noticed that I looked a little like her younger sister. The next thing I noticed would change the course of events for both of us. There was writing on the back of each picture, that was covered with White-Out. [By now you should know me well enough to know where this is going.]

    Naturally, curiosity got the better of me and I immediately searched for something to try and scratch it off. I wasn't about to let a little White-Out keep me from even more information! Beneath the White-Out were the first and last names of everyone in the pictures. I immediately summoned T to come read the letter and we devised a plan!

    I had decided that I'd had enough of that adoption agency and I would be taking matters into my own hands. We located two telephone numbers listed with my BM's name in the area we thought she lived. We called one and found it was actually a convenience store. With the other I got an answering machine with a woman's voice. I hung up, sure that it was her and I had no idea what to say. Thank god for T! She called back and left a message. She gave a brief explanation of the situation and said that if we had the correct person, I had received her letter. She went on to say that if she was ready and felt comfortable, I would welcome a call from her. She left my telephone number and we waited. About two hours later she called back. T and I stared at each other, both of us petrified. I made T answer and she confirmed that it was in fact the right person, then handed the phone over to me. Her first words to me were, "You have the sweetest voice I've ever heard." I noted that our voices sounded very similar. My insides were shaking at this point. There were a few tears and awkward moments, but after the initial few minutes, it was like we were old friends, catching up after years of separation. She was thrilled at the opportunity to talk to me and totally understood my frustration with the agency. She had been upset with them as well. S had given them her letter the Tuesday before the Fourth of July weekend so that I would have it before the holiday. She found out on the following Tuesday afternoon that the letter had been sitting on Mrs. Houston's desk the entire week! We were both upset at this. Together we decided to tell the agency we would handle it from here.

    During that conversation and many more over the next two months, we shared the stories of our lives. She was saddened to hear that my parents eventually divorced. One of the main things she wanted for me, was to have a Mother and a Father. I assured her that hadn't changed, they just weren't married anymore. I told her I had one sister and a Step-Brother. She told me I had an older Half-Brother, my Birth-Father's son from his first marriage. I made note of his name, and later established contact with my older Brother.

    We eventually got around to the reason for my adoption. My BF had been married before and had a son four years older than me. My BF's marriage ended and at some point later, he was engaged to my BM. She was 22 at the time she became pregnant. After telling him of her pregnancy, he told her that he could no longer have children and that, with the exception of his son, he hated kids. He made it clear to her in that conversation that she was on her own. She broke off the engagement and never spoke to him again. To her knowledge, he had never finished high school, much less law school. His parents never knew of her pregnancy as far as she knew. She was still living at home and hid her pregnancy from her own parents until her mother eventually figured it out. Her parents were ashamed to have an unmarried, pregnant daughter and they demanded that I be placed for adoption and the entire situation would be kept secret. That's exactly how it was handled.

    S quit her job and the adoption agency sent her to live with a host family across town for the remainder of her pregnancy. This was their standard procedure for unwed mothers back then, so they could hide their pregnancies from friends and family. S and another single, expectant mother lived with this particular family. In exchange for room and board, they would help with daily chores, cook and baby-sit on occasion. Her own mother would show up to take her to doctor appointments and that is the only contact she had with any of her family until after I was born. S explained that her Mother expressed at one point that she wished there was some way they could pass me off as her own child, but said it was impossible. Several members of her family were aware of the fact that she could no longer have children. She told S that she had to do this. That this was the only way for her and the family to avoid the shame.

    On June 26th S was in labor and admitted to the hospital under a false last name, which was standard practice at that time. She went through her entire labor alone. Nurses would check in on her occasionally, but the agency did not provide anyone to see her through it. Not even her mother would show up to offer support. According to her account, she was awake for the entire labor, but not the delivery. S woke up later the morning of June 27th and she never got to see me. She described the only evidence she ever saw of my existence. A tiny, bloody imprint of my body on her skin, where I must have been placed on her tummy after delivery. I cannot fathom what that moment must have been like for her. Her younger sister, still in high school, would be the only visitor she had. On June 29th Mrs. Houston stopped in with papers for her to sign and it was only then that she knew that she had given birth to a girl. She asked if the baby was okay, Mrs. Houston said, "Yes, she's fine. She has all her fingers and toes". A day later S's mother arrived to take her home. She was told to remain inside for the next few weeks and in her room if company were to stop by. Her parents were concerned that someone might suspect she had been pregnant. After that conversation, nothing about her pregnancy was ever discussed again. I cried as she told me this story. Hearing her account of these events left me incredibly upset and sad for her. Despite all she has been through, S has an amazing spirit!

    I still can't imagine having to go through something so horrible. I suppose in a way, I did, but to me it is just a story. I know the story involves me, yet the events haven't had the impact on my life, as they did upon hers. It does make me a little sad that while most births are joyous occasions, mine wasn't. I try not to focus on that part. What I do focus on, is that there were two loving people, who desperately wanted me, and they have celebrated my life from the moment they saw me.

    S and I have all but lost touch. We spoke regularly for a while and visited each other on many occasions. We took a vacation together, celebrated some holidays, but eventually the contact dwindled. We still send cards and update each other on what's been happening in our lives. It was impossible to go back and be Mother and Daughter, but I hope she got what she needed from the experience. I cannot speak for her, but the experience was healing for me and helped put a lot of things to rest. I once made the comment to her that I no longer "felt" adopted and she wasn't sure she understood what I meant. I didn't either at the time. Today I can tell you that it means being adopted is no longer an issue for me. There are no more secrets and no more feeling unwanted or unloved. I have had closure. I can talk about this with each of my parents today without fear and without making their hair stand on end! The lines of communication were opened by this experience. As I write this, I know my black birth certificate was just a crappy photocopy. I know the color of it had absolutely no significance at all. I can look back on that day in high school and laugh.

    Today I have a pretty, mint green birth certificate, but no matter which you prefer to look at, the parents listed on both certificates are the parents god gave me and I am totally glad he picked the ones he did! I was never unhappy with my parents. I just needed answers to the questions that haunted me.

    Additional notes of interest:
    • I was in fact, born at St Lukes Hospital, the hospital that was not listed on my birth certificate. We believe the hospital name was removed during the adoption process.
    • Had I ever looked for my birth records from the hospital I was born, I would have found absolutely nothing. The agency admitted my BM to the hospital with a false last name.
    • I was released from the hospital on June 29th and we have never been able to establish where I was between then and July, 12th, the day I my parents picked me up.
    • My half-brother shared with me that I have a younger half-brother that is roughly 8 years younger than me. Proving that my BF was indeed quite fertile.
    • My BF remained with the mother of that son for 3 months until she left town with her son and has not been heard from since.
    • After the first 3 years of my half-brothers life, my BF had nothing to do with any of the children he fathered.
    • My BF gave up his legal rights to my half-brother, in lieu of back and future child support. He was later adopted my his mothers second husband.
    • It is incredible how much I look like my BF.
    • My BF died about 6 months after my BM established contact with me and I decided against attending his funeral. I have since learned a great deal about him and his life from my half-brother.
    • To my knowledge, no one in my family was ever on television as I once thought possible. Like I said, I was a child with a highly active imagination.
    May 05, 2005

    Adopted - Part II

    A year or so later, Oprah did a show on locating Birth-Parents. An expert on re-uniting adoptee's with their Birth-Parents said that often, Birth-Parents will keep the adoption agencies updated on their current contact information, in the hopes their children might someday look for them. Several days later, I called to check if my adoption agency had any information on my Birth-Parents. It was ironic that I was transferred to Mrs. Houston, one of the two social workers that handled my adoption. Upon hearing my name, she explained that she remembered my parents. She checked the file and said there was no contact information available. She went on to tell me that there was a charge for initiating a search, a service they had recently decided to offer because the adoption laws in Texas had changed over the years, but she didn't believe adoptee's should be charged for a search. "If you won't tell, I won't charge you a dime", she said. I agreed and she told me she would call me back shortly. I hung up and went immediately into panic mode! I thought "My god, what have I done? Is she going to call me right back and say she's found them?". When the phone rang, I thought about just not answering it, but my curiosity got the better of me. Mrs. Houston said that she had contacted their detective and initiated the search for my BM and that it would probably take several days for him to get back with her. In the mean time, she said she would mail out the consent forms for me to sign and that she had some non-identifying information she could share with me.

    I was updated on the descriptions of both sets of Grandparents, each Birth-Parent and their siblings. I figured I must look like one of my parents because they both had dark brown hair with red highlights and blue eyes. Imagine that...So do I! I was given my medical history, which oddly enough was exactly the same as the history my parents had received. I suppose at that time, they didn't realize the importance that information might hold at some point down the road. My BM was in labor for eight hours and received Demerol just prior to delivery. I was given my time of birth and birth stats, which I already knew. She added that my birth was a forceps delivery. "Lovely", I said! "I was yanked out by my head and then given away". Mrs. Houston didn't appreciate my sense of humor much and went on to explain that I was not given away. That my Mother did a very loving thing and that she did what she thought was right for me. I know that now, but at the time I wasn't quite buying it. I was also less than thrilled that she referred to her as my mother. I felt an attitude coming on and I didn't understand the flood of new feelings I was beginning to experience.

    A day later, I had all the forms in hand. I signed the consent forms and filled out a sheet requesting non-identifying information about me, such as my spouse's name, my education, interests and personality traits, etc. I collected a few baby pictures and current photographs of me, sealed the envelope, addressed it, put a stamp on it and never mailed it. From then on, each birthday became increasingly painful for me. Eventually, I didn't want to celebrate my birthdays with anyone. Each year that passed, I became more and more emotional about it, and hurt that my BM hadn't looked for me. The writing was on the wall. It had become crystal clear to me that she just didn't care and didn't want me in her life. I felt more and more like I was just something bad that happened to her. From time to time I would run across the envelope and think to myself that I should send it in, but I could never make myself do it. I needed her to find me.

    Years passed and I spent a lot of time with my friend T who was also adopted the only other adopted person I have ever known. Despite the fact that she has no desire to meet or find her Birth-Parents, I have always felt that she, more than any other person on this earth, has understood me. We are like sisters. We don't always get along perfectly, but she and I have been close friends for nearly twenty years. Late one night, after spending an evening at my house, T left to pick up one of her daughters from a dance. I walked her out and as she walked to her van, I went the opposite direction to the mailbox. I pulled out two envelopes and one was from the adoption agency. Immediately, my heart sank. I knew there was no reason for them to contact me other than to let me know something about one of my Birth-Parents. Almost panicked, I screamed for T to stop. I ran to try and stop her from leaving, but she was pulling away from the parking area. I was shaking at the thought of what the letter would say. I sat down in my car for a moment and opened the envelope. Through tear filled eyes I read the letter. It was short and to the point.

    It read:
    Please contact our offices at the following number. 1-800-xxx-xxxx Your Birth-Mother has contacted us and wishes to correspond with you.
    Mrs. Houston

    Although I knew in my heart what was in the letter before I opened it, I could not believe my eyes! I was in shock. If I read it once, I read it 50 times that night and it still seemed surreal. I couldn't believe it! I cried and sobbed like I never have in my life. I immediately went inside and called T on her mobile. She and I spent the next seven hours on the phone contemplating what I should do. I already knew, but I wanted confirmation that it was the right thing. T begged me not to contact them in fear of what might be in store for me. T said, "There's no going back once you find out things you don't want to know". She added, "Some things we're better off not knowing!". I called Mrs. Houston the next morning. She explained the process to me. If I gave consent, my BM and I would each write three letters back and forth disclosing only non-identifying information. These letters would be processed through the agency. If both parties agreed, we would move on to telephone conversations where I could speak to my BM at their office and finally, if we both agree, they would set up a reunion that would take place at their office. That afternoon she mailed out the new consent forms. Two days later, they were on their way back to her. Signed, photographs and everything.

    I was scared to death to tell my parents about the recent chain of events. I started with my mother and she didn't see any harm in my having contact with my BM. I couldn't seem to find the right words to tell my dad, so I elicited the help of my Step-Mom. She was thrilled about the news, and said she would be glad to talk to my dad for me. I was a nervous wreck. My dad is the light of my life and throughout my life he had never uttered a word to me about my adoption. As far as he's concerned, I am his daughter just as his own biological daughter is. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him with my need for this contact. My SM called me later that evening and said someone wanted to talk to me. I felt my heart move up to my throat as I heard my Dad's voice. After a little small talk, I asked if my SM had told him what was going on. He said yes and that he would support whatever I wanted to do. He reminded me that he loved me. That he had always felt a special connection with me and that he completely understood my need to know more, that if I needed him there, I could count on him. I honestly couldn't have picked a better father, if I had hand picked him myself. I was so relieved, and I cried as silently as I could throughout the rest of our conversation. I just couldn't hold back the emotion. It soon became clear I wasn't the only one feeling that way.

    The following few days were rough. My SM called me back with news that my Dad was having a difficult time with my decision. His behavior was very disturbing to all of us. For whatever reason, he believed that my BM was, for lack of a better term, an "unsavory" person. He worried that I might be hurt by this woman, the things I might learn, and perhaps even her motives. He had every right to be concerned. I am not sure what it was that brought him to understand, but after we discussed it in person he settled down. He knew the relationship between me and my mother had been difficult at best, and he had decided that if my BM could be there for me, then he could live with that. If not then at least I would have answers to the questions I've had most of my life. He told me he knew I had struggled with feelings about my adoption, but he never knew how to help me with those feelings. He said now was the time for me to find the answers I needed, and more than anything, he wanted me to be happy. That week and the one to follow, were the most emotionally draining weeks I have ever experienced.

    A little more than a week had passed and I hadn't heard a word from the agency. It was Friday and the long Fourth of July weekend was upon us. I was getting very antsy. Since Monday was the 4th, I feared having to wait until Tuesday for some information. I called T, she came over and we called the adoption agency to see what the hold up was. I spoke with the receptionist and was told Mrs. Houston was out of the office until Tuesday. I became very upset at the prospect of having to wait out the long weekend. Patience is not something I had a lot of. I insisted that someone should be able to tell me something! I had expediently supplied them with signed consent forms and everything they asked of me. It had been a very emotional week and I did not appreciate having to wait for so long. The receptionist put the Director of the Agency on the line. I went through the same conversation I had with the receptionist and she promptly told me that she didn't understand what the big deal was. I was aghast! "How could she not understand that this was a big deal to an adoptee?", I wondered. I was furious! This was the hugest thing in the world to me! I tried to choke back the tears and explain that this was an extremely emotional time and that after waiting my entire life for some information, I didn't think it was fair for them to just drop this in my lap and then expect me to wait patiently while they got their act together! I tearfully described to her how the past week felt like my world had been spinning out of control. She responded with, "I think you're over-reacting here. It's just a three day weekend". I lost it. I was crying so hard I couldn't even speak clearly. I put the phone down and T took over the conversation. She understood. Maybe I was over-reacting, I don't know, but T understood every ounce of what I was feeling. She tried to explain to the Director where I was coming from, but got nowhere with her. I had to resign myself to waiting and I felt like my life had been turned upside down.

    Tuesday came and they still had nothing. Mrs Houston suggested that I could go ahead and write the first letter to my BM. That it didn't necessarily have to be a response to hers to count toward the required three letters and that would give me something to focus on. I was less than thrilled, but she promised as soon as she had one from my BM, she would mail it. In an effort to appease me, she said my BM had given her permission to share her first name with me. "Her name is Sandy", She informed me. I was speechless. Of all the things I had wondered about for so long, it never occurred to me that my BM even had a first name. That may sound silly, but she had always been a blank face to me. It was a strange feeling to know something so personal about her, but after hearing her name, she finally seemed real to me.

    Late that Friday afternoon, without any notice from the agency, I found the much anticipated letter from my BM, waiting in my mailbox.

    To be continued...
    May 04, 2005

    I've been tag teamed and there's gonna be hell to pay!

    Faith and Cara have been bad little blogger girls! They have ganged up against the Sque'd One! Both have tagged me with the same MeMe and someone shall have to pay for the injustice done unto me! So here's the deal. MUAHAHAHAHAHA! I get to pick the standard 5 questions to answer, but I get to tag 6 people, instead of 3. Okay, fine...I'll answer the full 10 questions!

    Here are the Instructions:

    What follows is a list of different occupations. You must select at least five of them. You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on (after you select five of the items as it was passed to you). Of the five you selected, you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession. Then pass it on to three other bloggers.

    If I could be a scientist...

    If I could be a farmer...

    If I could be a musician... I would create beautiful, healing music that would bring harmony to our world.

    If I could be a doctor... I would move to the country that needed me the most and work for free.

    If I could be a painter...

    If I could be a gardener...

    If I could be a missionary... I would try my best to find a way to reach those who have no faith in our creator and savior.

    If I could be a chef... I would feed the world and no one would ever go hungry again!

    If I could be an architect...

    If I could be a linguist... I would offer to write eloquent speeches for Dubya!

    If I could be a psychologist...

    If I could be a librarian...

    If I could be an athlete...

    If I could be a lawyer...

    If I could be an innkeeper...

    If I could be a professor...

    If I could be a writer...

    If I could be a backup dancer...

    If I could be a llama-rider... I would ride my llama around like a mad woman and chase people around threatening to have my llama spit on them! HAHAHAHA!! OMGosh that would be fun!

    If I could be a bonnie pirate...

    If I could be a midget stripper...

    If I could be a proctologist... I would shove something rather large up the ass of my EX!

    If I could be a TV-Chat Show host...

    If I could be an actor...

    If I could be a judge...

    If I could be a Jedi...

    If I could be a backup singer... I would push the lead singer out of the way and teach the world to sing from the deepest recesses of their souls and strut my stuff baby!

    If I could be a CEO... I would give everyone raises out of my own salary and then fire myself! [After I banked a few mil of course!] Gotta pay the bills ya know?!!

    If I could be a movie reviewer...

    If I could be a mob boss...

    If I could be a monkeys uncle...

    If I could be a CSI... I would solve the JonBenet Ramsey case and help put her killer away for life!

    If I could be a computer nerd... [This is a trick question isn't it?]

    If I could be a Kindergarten teacher...

    Lets see now...Who shall I pick to carry on the tradition! I tag Rin, Cady, and Cookie. Ok 3 down, 3 to go! Man this part is hard. I don't want to pick people who have already done it and have to eat my own words! lol Tasha, Gem and StEmily, tag, you're it too! I love you guys, but someone has to suffer with me! =]

    May 03, 2005

    Adopted - Part I

    I was six years old when my cousin so kindly accused me of being adopted. My response? "I AM NOT!!! What's adopted?". She didn't know either. She apparently overheard a conversation about it between my Mom and my Grandmother. It wasn't long after that I asked my mother what exactly "adopted" meant. I remember the conversation vividly. It was late on a Saturday afternoon. I was lying on the counter with my head in the kitchen sink, as my mother washed my hair when I asked "What is adopted?". My Mother asked where I had heard that word and I told her that Jackie said I was adopted. She began telling me that she and my Dad tried for years to have a baby and that it wasn't possible. Very gently she explained that another woman had given birth to me and gave me to them to raise and love as their own daughter. This information really meant nothing to me at the time, but I continued to listen. She said that I was legally their child and that she and my Dad loved me very much. I remember sitting in the living room shortly thereafter, eating a bowl of soup and watching HeeHaw with my Dad and Sister, their biological daughter born 16 months after I was adopted. I was apparently satisfied with the answer to my question.

    I didn't think much about being adopted again until my early teens. I often wondered if one of my Birth-Parents were people we knew or perhaps someone on television. I figured it was possible. Because it was never really spoken of, I wondered if anyone else knew I was adopted besides us. No one other than my cousin had ever mentioned it. At this point in my life, I felt certain that at least some information had been kept from me. I was curious to learn more, but because neither of my parents ever spoke of it again, I was afraid to start asking questions. I felt sure that this information must be top secret and was to be kept from me at all costs. I was a child with a highly active imagination!

    During my later High School years, I began snooping around for some answers on my own. A very detailed baby book that my Mother kept for me didn't have much to offer in the way of clues, but I became almost obsessed with it and the many baby pictures my parents had taken. I searched the faces of relatives that I thought I favored a bit. There were a few people I suspected, but I couldn't make heads or tails of anything. One day I finally found some items of interest. I ran across an envelope which contained a letter from the agency of which I was adopted from. It was dated June 29th of the same year I was born. I made note that it was also dated two days after the date of my birth. That piqued my interest! The letter was to inform my parents that they had been approved by the agency and that they could expect placement within six months. I referred back to my baby book where my mother had written that I was brought home July 12th, some fifteen days after my birth! Where had I been all that time I wondered! With my Birth-Mother? Abandoned? I scoured my baby book looking for answers. I found a passage my Mother had written, that said when they brought me home, I had the worst case of diaper rash she had ever seen. I wondered who took care of me. Did I not have a Mother for the first two weeks of my life? Was I given minimal care and neglected? I definitely had some questions! I was afraid to ask them, and even more afraid to hear the answers.

    At some point, I remember my Sister and I needing our birth certificates for something at school. My Mom gave my sister hers and it was the original certificate from the hospital where she was born. Cute little baby footprints and all. I took one look at mine and I couldn't believe my eyes. I was horrified at what I saw! I felt my heart in my throat and immediately blurted out, "Why is my birth certificate black?"! My mother was hardly phased by the question and simply said that it was a photocopy. I tearfully asked her if I had one with my footprints on it and she explained that they were not given a copy of my original certificate because some information had to be changed when I was adopted. Still I was horrified that it was black and the next thing I noticed was that there was no information on it that indicated which hospital I was born in. Although my baby book said St. Luke's Hospital, there was only a dash in that space on my birth certificate. I knew this had to mean something. The next day, as my classmates shared their birth certificates with each other, I kept mine hidden in my notebook. Without appearing to be too interested, as far as I could tell, mine was the only black birth certificate in the class. I felt like the black sheep of my family. Photocopy or not, the color of it had a significant effect on my perception of what it meant to be adopted. There was no way I was letting anyone see that hideous thing. I was ashamed of it and I never turned it in to my teacher.

    On another snooping expedition, I found a sheet with my medical background. The information was contained on less than half a sheet of paper. Not much to go on for sure, but I discovered that I was born at 12:04 AM. I weighed 7 pounds, 2 ounces and was 19 1/2 inches long. My APGAR score was 10. There was a brief medical history of my family and when I say brief I mean BRIEF! Paternal Grandfather died of a cerebral hemorrhage at the age of 57. Maternal Grandmother had diabetes and my Birth-Father had tuberculosis of the spine at the age of six, which had been cured. He also had slight deafness of the left ear which was due to illness. So there it was. A half a page chocked full of my family medical history! I couldn't believe it. History! I finally had a history! It may not seem like a lot of information to you, but to me it was like finding a chest of buried treasures!

    I didn't learn any more about my adoption until I was eight-teen or nine-teen. I had moved away from home to attend college and during one of my Mother's visits, for reasons unbeknownst to me, she began to come forth with some information. I'm not sure why, or even how the converstation started, but she told me the story behind my adoption. She explained the story as given to them by the adoption agency. My Birth-Mother and Birth-Father were High school sweethearts. He was in Law school and she worked as a legal secretary helping to put him through school. When they found out she was pregnant, his parents refused to let them marry and insisted I be given up for adoption so as not to interfere with his education. My BM followed their wishes and the couple remained engaged. My Mother continued, that when she and my Father arrived at the agency to pick me up, the receptionist asked if she could help them. My Dad said they were there to pick up their baby girl. The woman turned nearly white and said that the BM had just left and that she and my Mother looked easily to be sisters! I could see that my mother loved that part of the story. I was satisfied with all that she told me, but taken aback that she actually offered information of her own free will! I found myself not wanting to hear anymore and I quickly changed the subject. I wasn't comfortable having this discussion after all the years of silence, but I was happy to know at least a little more. Later in my life, I found out it wasn't quite the truth.

    To be continued...
    May 02, 2005

    Just your average, rambling, 1 am post...

    I am recovering today from a sunburn that has produced a fever, headache and the swirling around feeling in my tummy that we all dread, among other things. Don't worry though, I am feeling much much better tonight after about 16 hours of an off and on again, coma-like sleep! I have to be at work at 9 AM and I'm wondering how I will manage to sleep between now and then, since I just woke up.

    In other news, in an effort to keep my mind off other things, I am working on a series of posts about my adoption. People often ask me what it's like to be adopted and I have always been happy to give my take on it. So, I figured why not talk about it here! Normally I write my posts on the fly, but I kinda wanted to put a bit more thought into these for various reasons, but mostly because it deals with a lifetime of feelings. I decided to make it a series of posts because my feelings about being adopted have changed throughout the various stages of my life. Plus, it would be entirely too lengthy for one post. I can't imagine that anyone would want to sit and read about any one person for that long! lol As far as I can tell, it may be 3 or 4 installments. So on that note, I need some input. Should I post one per day, per week, or what? Too much? Let me know what you think.

    Sooo...What else was I going to share!? Oh I found this story on someone's blog the other day! I laughed so hard I'm sure my neighbors thought that I'd finally cracked!

    Okay, I'm off to see what you have all been up to today...err, I mean yesterday! I guess you're all sleeping now huh?! !
    May 01, 2005

    Too much Sun, Fun and Burnt Buns!

    Recooping after a day in the sun with some really great friends, barbecue, music and a day at the pool! I was a little bored this evening after everyone left, but I did manage to find this to entertain me for far longer than I care to admit! I am also a lovely shade of lobster red tonight! Ouch!

    my pet!
    Jack LaLanne Juicer

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