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    My version of a Totally Sque'd reality!

    May 29, 2005

    Of course I can never just let anything go...

    So I'll continue my thoughts here, without the "colorful" language this time. Sorry for all that, but when you gotta vent, you should vent. So I vented!

    Since the conversation, I have been avoiding him like the plague. I didn't know what to say and well, I'm just a wuss that way. When I'm too upset about something, I avoid it and pretty much everything and everyone! So this weekend, I turned on my IM's and there were several messages from both of them. He was apologizing profusely. She didn't seem to know anything about it, so when I saw him online later, I decided I needed to know what was going on so I asked. Again, he apologized profusely! I did accept the apology, but I pretty much let him have it and told him that was about the dumbest thing he's ever done, at least to my knowledge! He agreed.

    So he informed me that he hasn't told her anything and I agreed that I wasn't going to tell her anything [for now] because, well, I'm a wuss and I just can't justify further endangering their, otherwise great relationship. My reasoning here is that he hasn't actually acted on his feelings....he's made them known, yes, but that's as far as it has gone. He has not made any physical advances toward me at all. Despite my thoughts on his motives, thinking about doing something and actually doing it are two different things. If I knew he had cheated on her, then that would be whole 'nother ball of wax. You bet your ass I'd tell her in a heartbeat. In any case, I did tell him that if he pursued this any further, I would indeed tell her and I also encouraged him to try and get them into some sort of counseling. I know and he knows that, despite a few minor issues, they have a really good marriage and relationship. I am hoping they can work those things out and continue to have a great marriage. I hope that I am doing the right thing and I hope that ...If things ever go awry between them, that she will understand that this was an extremely difficult decision to make and that I'm doing what I think is best for their relationship and our friendship. I'm trying to avoid making things worse and well...I'm a wuss too, but she already knows that. If I am making a huge mistake here, I hope she can find a way to forgive me. I dont want to keep anything from her, but telling her will undoubtedly open another can of worms. This sucks!!!

    Sorry for rambling. I'm sort of thinking this out as I go. I am trying to clarify and solidify my thoughts and feelings as I type this, so excuse me if this isn't making sense. UGH...I just hate this hole situation. I am still sad, still hurt and angry and furious and still confused. Part of me feels like I'm doing the right thing, and another part of me wants to beat the crap out of him. I feel like I'm being too easy on him.

    It's almost 2 AM! I'm too tired to think about this anymore. I need sleep.

    I am also thinking about deleting these 2 posts. I'm a little afraid that one of my friends might stumble upon my blog someday and I'm thinking I don't want this buried in my archives for someone to discover. So whaddya think? Should I?

    I know!

    Lets all say it together now...

    Jack LaLanne Juicer

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