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    May 28, 2005

    Pardon me while I vent...

    Here's your warning! If you can't handle raw feelings, a few F-Bombs and such, then hit the X in the top right of your screen and do not read any further. I shall resume normal blogging at some point after this post.

    I have been out of sorts lately and I guess I just need to get this out. Feel free to comment if you like, but I already know the answers for the most part. I just need to vent or ...something.

    The week before last, I had a very disturbing conversation with a dear dear friend of mine. A friend I have known since middle school. I was totally taken off guard to hear that he now has feelings for me. [Can't Imagine why either!] Now normally, this wouldn't be so upsetting, but there are other factors that come into play here.

    1. He's married!
    2. His wife and I have been very close friends almost from the moment he introduced me to her some eleven years ago.
    3. They have two beautiful children together.

    I was stunned, to say the least, by his announcement and now that has turned into hurt and anger! My first question to him was what he hoped to accomplish by sharing his feelings with me. His response was that he just needed to get it off his chest and be upfront about it. WTF ever! My feeling on the matter is that I believe he hoped I might be agreeable to an affair, which is absolutely out of the question. [See #70 on my 100 Things List] In fact ANYTHING other than friendship is out of the question! I do not have romantic feelings toward him.

    At this point, I am furious beyond belief! I am upset that he could possibly even consider an affair or cheating on his wife/my friend. I also thought he had higher regard for both of us! I am hurt and angry that he would think I could even consider committing adultery and even more upset that he might be willing to do so, although he says that isn't the case. Needless to say, I don't buy that. I don't mean to jump to conclusions and for crying out loud, if I am, please set me straight, but I see no other reason for him to share such feelings with me if that isn't what he was hoping for. The bastard! What good could come of it?? None that I can think of. He certainly wasn't "being upfront" with his WIFE about it! Furthermore, I am FURIOUS that his "sharing" has put me in such an awkward position. What the hell am I supposed to say to his wife? How am I supposed to talk to her and pretend this conversation never happened? Although they live four hours away, we talk on the phone and on IM all the time. I can't very well confide in her! Am I supposed to tell her? That would be disasterous and it certainly isn't something I even want to think about doing! I'd rather die than tell her something like this! I can't confide in any of my other friends either because, 1. Most of us have known each other since we were in elementary or middle school and, 2. My other friends are friendly with them as well. So as of the date of that conversation, I haven't spoken to either of them. I don't know what, if any conversations have transpired between the two of them since. I don't even want to know! All I know is that I have no idea what to do with this or how to resolve my feelings about it. I'm just fucking furious and hurt and I'm really hating men right about now. I really wish he had put more thought into this. In all likelihood, whatever feelings he thinks he has will soon pass and here he's gone and fucked up a perfectly good friendship. Probably two friendships, not to mention that he could very well be putting his marriage at risk too! UGH! What an idiot!!!
    Jack LaLanne Juicer


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